Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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