Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
