Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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