My room smells like vodka and shame
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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