Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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