Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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