Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
