you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
