Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.