I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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