I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
