Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
