My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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