I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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