I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
