i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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