happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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