wanna go halves on a baby?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
