We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
