then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
