dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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