When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
