Swine flu. Run for my life!
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
