o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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