I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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