Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
