The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
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Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's rum buckets o'clock
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
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