I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
