Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
