did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
my liver is dry heaving
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