Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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