i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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