we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.