A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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