Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.