i already hear my dad disowning me
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
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You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
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I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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