3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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