Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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