I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
