she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
