she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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