So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
