i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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