He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
