Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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