oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
