Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
