I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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