Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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