So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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