I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
