In the future we'll all be gay
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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