Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
worst night to have a conscience
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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