I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Randomize
