If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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