Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
