I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
