apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
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do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
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It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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