Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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