hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
