I want to make a zoo with you.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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