Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
