her vagine was all disorganized.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
