You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
