if i can run in heels then i can drive
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
